The few, the proud, the profoundly confused

To: Walter E. Gaskin
Commanding General, Marine Corps Recruiting Command

Dear General Gaskin:

My 83-year-old mother is in receipt of the following letter from you.

"Dear _____,

The United States military is in need of your service.

Now is the time to put your unique language skills to the test as a member of the United States Marine Corps. Your command of the Arabic language will be invaluable among the elite few, where you'll play a pivotal role in communicating with people from Arabic-speaking countries."

[etc. snipped]

Now, my mother does, in fact, speak several languages, including Russian, Serbo-Croatian, French, Spanish, and English. But she does not now nor has she ever spoken Arabic.

And, have I mentioned that she's EIGHTY-THREE?!

I know that database marketing and mailing list rental can be, wait for it, hit-or-miss, but this glimpse into your valiant if misguided effort does not inspire confidence.

I'm just glad you're not tasked with hurricane watch, General.

You aren't, are you?

Your bemused servant,
Sinyet